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23-Jan-2018 14:28

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It was a lot easier to fall for a guy who I knew, on some level, wouldn't fall in love with me. The real risk would be to finally be vulnerable to love. It was that I was scared to be in a real relationship. Peter made me deeply happy, not constantly anxious that I wasn't good enough.

His solidity was exactly why, I realized, I loved him so much.

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I suppose I'd always been attracted to commitment-phobes because some part of me felt unlovable.The next day, he called to ask when he could see me again—unusual behavior, considering the guys I'd dated.On our second date, we had a quiet dinner at a bistro.At the same time, it made me incredibly anxious: I loved hearing Peter's offbeat observations about music and architecture, watching him rewire the lighting in my apartment, listen- ing to his boyish laugh—but where was that manic streak of irresponsibility I craved? I didn't have to try to pin down an artistic, wandering soul to persuade him to love me, or clamor for his attention.

Without that, the romance seemed to lose a certain thrill.

Each time, these men—dashing chefs, moody architects—would give me just enough attention to keep me in their narcissistic orbit.

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